Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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