he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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