Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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