I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
