So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
