I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
