Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
