i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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