come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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