Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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