she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
