She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
