Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Randomize
