I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
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