Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
