"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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