I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
