Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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