i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
