Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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