My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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