the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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