I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
