I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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