WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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