I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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