I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
