please come you make the beer taste better
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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