The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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