so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
