I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
