i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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