oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
