you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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