just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
