Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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