What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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