one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
