Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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