I think I am morally bankrupt
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Randomize
