just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
