i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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