my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Michael Bay diarrhea
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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