i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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