i need an iv and a liver transplant
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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