My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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