So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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