wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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