Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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