The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
