I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
